So Stasha has been a part of my family since I was about...1? She took care of my grandma when she had a stroke. When my grandma died, I was 5, she stayed and took care of my grandpa. So she has been a part of our family for almost 19 years.
Yesterday my mom randomly said to me (while I was studying or watching TV) "Stasha is going back to Poland, and it's probably for good." So of course I start to cry, and I left the room, cuz I hate when people see me cry. Then I took a shower and got ready to go to my haircut. Then I started crying HYSTERICALLY while my mom went back in the house to get something. My eyes were all red, and it was just awful. It was Rosh Hashanah dinner yesterday, so we had a semi-large dinner planned. We celebrated my grandpa's and Tracy's birthdays. Then we celebrated the New Year. Thennn my mom (while toasting to Tracy and Totty and all that) says how we are also toasting to Stasha, cuz she is leaving us. So then we all start to cry a little. Then later Mike had to go to work, so he said bye to Stasha, and my grandpa turned to me and said "She's really going to miss you guys..." (me and mike) so I just started to cry. THEN there was the goodbye itself. I pretty much have a way of making everyone cry lol. I don't mean to, but I cry so easily that everyone just kind of feeds off my tears or something lol. So I started to bawl, then Stasha did, and my grandpa said that she told me not to cry (she understands english, but barely speaks any.) I can't think of the last time I cried that hard. She is just like a grandma to me. I mean, I barely got to know my Bubby Annie before she died... and Stasha was always there. So I told her how much I love her, and later she was talking and my grandpa said "She loves you too." and ahhhhhhhh. It just sucks a lot.
It got me thinking. I can't tell if its worse to have someone die or to have someone just be so far away, and you not be able to talk or see them ever again. It's like a restraining order, I guess. If you think about... if you were stalking someone, wouldn't it be easier if they died, rather you just not be able to see them but know they are somewhere else and you just aren't allowed to see them.
I guess that really doesn't make sense, cuz it's not the same thing, and of course it's better to have the person alive... duh. But it just doesn't seem fair to not be able to see someone ever again.......
Shit, I need to get to bed. I'm going to fail that test tomorrow. And then the one the day after that (cuz I will be so freaking tired all day tomorrow lol.) Hmm. Okay. Much love. Sorry to bore you all. I just had to get it out.